when you're faced with a fading vision and a striving mission
doing what and being where my heart desires is an ultimate goal. this has been a fervent wish of mine to friends who celebrate special days, most especially their birthdays, but admittedly, it has been my personal struggle for many years. just this morning, at around 1:45 am, i got a text message from thomas, a good friend from the graduate shool, asking how i am. there are times when he texts just to say that he's down and just needed some unloading. this time it was my time to shine...i needed some releasing! honestly, i didn't know what came to my head when i honestly answered back by telling him that life has been down for the past years. he then replied by reminding me that we are far better than most people nowadays and that maybe i was just asking too much. i know...and that fact has never eluded my sometimes stubborn head! but then again, isn't it that other people's miseries, however grave the situations are, should not be a reason for the others to confront their own?
i am in that stage right now. i'm struggling and nobody can ever understand what i am going through...not even my closest friends. and who would say that i'm struggling when almost everybody thinks that my life is lived the way i wanted it lived? then he mentioned something that struck doubly hard...he said that maybe i was just feeling the jitters of being in the middle age and that i just want to get married. TOINK! that hit me hard!
its my ex's birthday today and she's coming home on march...to get married! hahaha! hurray! good for her! im definitely happy for them! yeah right! the vision of my future suddenly turned gray and then black! suddenly there was no vision at all! i'd like to think that we are friends again. thanks to friendster, we got hooked up again and exchanged some emails...after a full year of nothing whatsoever....that's where she told me the PLAN. right after i read her email i asked myself if i'm okay...the answer was positive. after two years of being away with her, i came to terms that there is really no future for the two of us. but the fact that she is getting married way ahead of me (i dont even have a girlfriend!) made me feel how losing i am in this life. being alone doesn't mean you ought to be lonely, but then again in a time when many friends, officemates, relatives, and others keep on giving you wedding invites, would you not care to think where you're headed?
my mision is life is to help others, and that gives me a sense of fulfillment that nobody can ever give. kathleen, a very good friend of mine sent me a forwarded message which says that the finest hour in our lives is when we have done things to nameless people without expecting them to remember our acts of kindness and love. isn't it humbling to share your life with others? but isn't it more appalling to see yourself not doing anything good when you know you can do something great?!
i fulfilled a mission today, i was in amadeo and met my kids...nine brave souls that never fail to amaze me everytime i go and visit and serve them. its a tough time out there but believe me, they do wonders! they survive because of the help that others give them. but inspite of that, no gratitude was ever verbalized, no message of thanks was even said...they need not to - for their smiles are more than enough to keep me (and all the nanays, kuyas, ates, and other volunteers) going and continue what i have started a year and a half ago. there's no need of it for they heal me of my in ways that even i can't explain.
sometimes when you're in your sorriest days and suffering your most hurtful wounds you tend to become so drawn to negative thoughts that you almost always forget how good life has been to you. insecurities set in and you drown yourself in worthless things. but when you're faced with a fading vision and a striving mission, which will be overcome? what will emerge? which will be victorious? questions which you alone can answer....i know what's mine and its mine alone to keep...and you to answer yourself.
i am in that stage right now. i'm struggling and nobody can ever understand what i am going through...not even my closest friends. and who would say that i'm struggling when almost everybody thinks that my life is lived the way i wanted it lived? then he mentioned something that struck doubly hard...he said that maybe i was just feeling the jitters of being in the middle age and that i just want to get married. TOINK! that hit me hard!
its my ex's birthday today and she's coming home on march...to get married! hahaha! hurray! good for her! im definitely happy for them! yeah right! the vision of my future suddenly turned gray and then black! suddenly there was no vision at all! i'd like to think that we are friends again. thanks to friendster, we got hooked up again and exchanged some emails...after a full year of nothing whatsoever....that's where she told me the PLAN. right after i read her email i asked myself if i'm okay...the answer was positive. after two years of being away with her, i came to terms that there is really no future for the two of us. but the fact that she is getting married way ahead of me (i dont even have a girlfriend!) made me feel how losing i am in this life. being alone doesn't mean you ought to be lonely, but then again in a time when many friends, officemates, relatives, and others keep on giving you wedding invites, would you not care to think where you're headed?
my mision is life is to help others, and that gives me a sense of fulfillment that nobody can ever give. kathleen, a very good friend of mine sent me a forwarded message which says that the finest hour in our lives is when we have done things to nameless people without expecting them to remember our acts of kindness and love. isn't it humbling to share your life with others? but isn't it more appalling to see yourself not doing anything good when you know you can do something great?!
i fulfilled a mission today, i was in amadeo and met my kids...nine brave souls that never fail to amaze me everytime i go and visit and serve them. its a tough time out there but believe me, they do wonders! they survive because of the help that others give them. but inspite of that, no gratitude was ever verbalized, no message of thanks was even said...they need not to - for their smiles are more than enough to keep me (and all the nanays, kuyas, ates, and other volunteers) going and continue what i have started a year and a half ago. there's no need of it for they heal me of my in ways that even i can't explain.
sometimes when you're in your sorriest days and suffering your most hurtful wounds you tend to become so drawn to negative thoughts that you almost always forget how good life has been to you. insecurities set in and you drown yourself in worthless things. but when you're faced with a fading vision and a striving mission, which will be overcome? what will emerge? which will be victorious? questions which you alone can answer....i know what's mine and its mine alone to keep...and you to answer yourself.
posted by vervepipe at
10:20 AM
1 Comments:
I think that each person experiences/d, on way or another, the exact feelings and mixed emotions that you have. After all, I think, that what makes man human ...
You seek too much from the outside world when the truth of the matter is, you only have yourself to answer your quests.You must read Paulo Coelho's books.
It is wonderful to love and to be loved, to be in the state of being in love. But when the heart is broken, when the love given is rejected or is over, the transcendental feeling of love once felt suddenly dives down to pity and emptiness and loneliness ...
move on from your ex-. though it is way way easier said than done, there is no other way to live but towards something better, towards something rewarding, towards a new chance and a new love.
I will be keeping in touch with you until you invite me to your wedding,ok?!
later.
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